Journal Entry: Midterms

I'm pretty sad right now, but I'll bounce back eventually. I always do... Don't really have a choice, now do we?

I miss the real and tangible. I feel like I am drowning in nothingness. Essentially all I do nowadays is homework and swipe on dating apps hoping I’ll run into somebody who resonates with and brings out the best in me. It’s not like you can meet anybody anywhere anymore, now can you? I love the walls driven between people by fear. It so practical and healthy. The friends I have in the city live far away and are preoccupied with their own lives. We hang out when it’s convenient: but unfortunately, it seldom is.

I’m afraid of going back on campus. I’m afraid I won’t be able to withstand the far Leftist zeitgeist for very long before I combust or self-destruct. The irony of rebellious leftists not accepting rebellion amongst their flock doesn’t escape me. I’m afraid that I won’t really want to talk to the people there. I often felt that when on campus before COVID kicked us off, but at the time, it was mostly because I felt like everybody thought I was a nutcase. I guess now I’m just a right-leaning nutcase with a blog. Schizo ramblings, or something, right? At least this way nobody’s forced to listen to me out of politeness.

I watch a lot of television nowadays. I don’t want to think about real life. It’s stupid and a waste of time. It’s like repeatedly running into a wall. You can only do it for so long until you decide that maybe it’s just easier to sit in place. I’m watching so much television, it’s permeating into my dreams. I sure do love the movies. My dreams are pretty cinematic. I started writing an analysis of The Simpsons one night when I had a moment to breathe. I’ve been drowning in the academic stress of midterms otherwise.

I’m taking linear algebra now. It’s like math without math: which, if you ask me, is nothingness. I feel like I am learning so many things and yet learning nothing. I just don’t see the satisfaction in it. I might just stop trying to major in computer science and pick up political science. I’ve got enough time to double major, but do I really want to lose hope in my ability to double up with CSCI like this? Am I really this dumb? My GPA can take the hit, admittedly, if I chose to stick to the major, but do I really want to keep suffering like this? Maybe I’m just that much better at writing than I am at coding. Maybe I just find data structures unbelievably dull.

It’s getting cold outside, too. My mood is so tied to the weather and these cloudy, cold days just bring me down even more. I don’t even want to go outside anymore. The restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere to go. At least during the summer I got to enjoy the sunshine. I’m not even really paying attention to the news as much anymore. It’s so depressing.

Potently negative emotions make money, keep you glued to your chosen source of news. You’re exposed to more ads, they make you feel more depressed, and it keeps you watching for longer. It’s about the money, isn’t it? I suggest you delete your social media. I recommend you watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix if you have the chance. I was familiar with the content but it’s a well-made film for those unfamiliar with the subject. Advertising on the web is largely driven by targeted marketing, which would’ve been the perfect niche for my computer science and art history in practice degree, but who knows what’ll happen to that. Maybe I’ll just end up working for The Blaze and writing stupid, reactionary content that I don’t even really believe in. I’d like to think that maybe I’m pretty enough in my youth to be in front of the camera.

I kind of wanted to make video essays at one point during the summer, considering the convenience and accessibility of audio, but that’s a remarkable level of effort, and honestly, I just don’t care that much about much nowadays. I’m uninspired. Summer’s over. I have to finish this problem set.